Never Ever...
by Khirsah
Summary: SLASH references. Seamus rambles about true love and other... stuff.


Title: Never Ever (aka Seamus Finnigan Explains the Universe)  
Author: Khirsah  
Pairing: Um. You won't read it if I tell you. I'll explain below...  
Rating: pg-13 for swear words and sexual references  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own them.  
  
Summary: Seamus rambles about true love and other... stuff.  
  
Notes: OK, this is just something that I wrote while working on the harry potter role playing game we're doing. It's *so* *fun*! And, well, strange things happen based around your characters and, er... Seamus kinda falls for Sirius Black. Heh. So it's a strange pairing, but it does make sense in the context of this universe. So... suspend disbelief? It *is* a rather adorable couple... LOL. Like a Doberman adopting a tiger-striped kitten...  
  
  
  
  
  
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Note to self:  
  
-- Never promise to pay your smuggling contact a certain price and then show up with 1/2 that. Too much property damage ensues. Instead, show up with 3/4 and a gun.  
-- Never go shopping with a female. Just don't. The same applies to a Malfoy.  
-- Never show anyone the stuffed giraffe. They're just not programmed to understand, are they Mr. Snufflebottoms?  
-- When searching for suitable boots, always try both of them on. Then walk in them. Then run. Make sure you jump, leap, fall, tumble, slide, dance, and kick things repeatedly whilst wearing them. 3 inch heels will do. 4 inches would be better...  
-- Never quote dead movie stars. Bad taste and all that.  
-- Quote living movie stars if you must, but if you pull a line from Titanic or any other Dicrappio-related film, you're gonna deserve whatever you may get.  
-- Looking mysterious always makes you look like you gotta piss. Just grin and they'll be forced to wonder what you're laughing at.  
-- Don't expect an Englishman to get it. Remember-- he's not Irish.  
-- Brush your teeth three times a day and clean everything else at least once a day. No one's ever said "You've got the sexiest ear wax" for a very good reason.  
-- If you see a buncha people standing around at an elevator, looking like they're waiting for something, then for God's sake, don't go up and push the button. It's irritating and obnoxious and... just don't do it.  
-- Don't go into Victoria's Secrets and ask if they have anything in men's sizes. They look at you weird.  
-- On second thought, *do* go in and ask for men's sizes. Those poor ladies need something to brighten up their dull and otherwise meaningless existences.  
-- If a dog licks you, don't worry. He's just being friendly. If you lick a dog, go straight to a doctor then a psychiatrist, you sicko...  
-- Don't take a Logic class and automatically assume to become logical. Instead, take a Logic class and expect to cry a lot.  
-- Don't mix purple and brown. Just don't. It's ugly and unattractive and people will secretly hate you for it.  
-- If you must wear nail polish, make sure it's a sufficiently manly color. Pink may be a fashion statement, but probably not the one you planned on making.  
-- If you decide to go ahead and seduce that hot, sexy, unbelievably fuckable resistance-assassin, never ever do it in your scooby do boxer briefs. While laughter is always fun, it tends to have very bad affects on the mood you're looking for  
-- If you say no to one twin, you're disturbed. If you say no to both, you're fucking nuts.  
-- People don't like body odor. Oh, they may go on about 'manly scent' and 'natural odor', but really, a man with no cleaning is a man with no creaming. Take this to heart and practice daily abulations.  
-- Sing at least once a week.  
-- Wear funky tee-shirts. You may feel like an idiot, but it makes other people smile like even *worse* idiots.  
-- Tell Voldie exactly what you think of him.  
-- Never do it to his face.  
-- Remember that people never like a smart ass. Make smart-assed comments anyways.  
--Don't look up into a pair of dark black eyes that look like cleansed moonlight shining down deep and seductive at you. Don't lean in and smell long black hair or touch haphazard braids. Don't shift over to touch a shoulder or a thigh just to feel flesh and that strange tingling thrill that you get by feeling warmth against your side. Don't sigh happily when he looks at you and don't grin like an idiot when he laughs at your jokes. Don't long to hold him and stroke back his hair and kiss those eyes closed or touch his mouth with your fingertips and feel lips curl up into a smile beneath the pads of your thumb. don't. just... don't.  
--Never fall in love. It's impossible to fall out of.  
-- Never fall in love. You'll think of nothing else.  
-- Never fall in love. You'll want nothing more than to touch him.  
-- Never fall in love. It's insane. It soars. It hurts.  
-- Never...  
-- Just *never*...  
::sigh::  
  
"Oh, shit..."  
  
  
  
  
  
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Author's Notes: Yeah, I'm disturbed. lol. Love you, Sirius. ^_- Remus fans, please understand this is an AU and don't kill me...  



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